“Why do I have to say good bye before I had the chance to say Hello?”
“Why.. Why me?”
“What did i do wrong?”
All the questions above are spinning in my head. Sometimes I hope I can get an answer. Yes, I need an answer to all of this. Of course, I blame my self, I’m so upset because there is nothing I can do. To all grieving mother, you’re not alone.
November 2016, I lost my baby in 10 weeks pregnancy. I still remember the day we walked in to the baby scan, so happy, excited and carefree. Until we heard the doctor say “There is no heart beat”. I will never forget the moment they say your heart had stopped. In that second, my heart is broke in pieces but it strangely kept beating. We walked out lost, scared and free falling with no idea when we would hit the ground. No words came out from me and my husband. We just stay silent because no words can explain the shit that’s going on in our heart and mind. I remember feeling utterly broken. That day, I could not speak, walk or move. All I could do was cry and my husband hug me all day all night. He never let me through this alone. I pray all the time, I cry in my sleep. One minute I was sure Jesus will give a miracle to my baby, He will give my baby heart beat back. The next I was just in tears because i know she/he was not.
Dear our sweet angel baby,
I remember the first time I heard your heart beat within me, my little one. It’s so strong, fast and steady. Suddenly you become so real, safe and warm inside me. I feel so blessed to be the one who carry you, hold you within me. Dear my little one, you already such a miracle. I hope you know how very much you are already loved.
To all grieving mother, I know it’s not the kind of sadness where you cry all the time, but more like the sadness that overwhelms your entire body and soul. Make you feel so tired and weak like there is no tomorrow. It’s almost the sadness you can’t escape. But, remember. God is working in your life in ways you cannot understand. God didn’t bring you this far to abandon you. I keep telling my self, that He will make everything beautiful in its time. You can’t change this situation the only thing you can change is how you chose to deal with it. Just trust in God’s timing. When you’ve done everything you can do, that’s when God will step in and do what you can’t do.
And for my husband. I know he’s hurts too. People don’t always see the tears a dad cries. His heart is broken too, he tries to hold it together and be strong for me. Even though his world gone wrong. He hold me and comfort me through it all. I know when he is alone he lets out his pain. He struggle too, what we see on the outside is not what always real. Men don’t always show how they really feel. So don’t forget a dad hurts too.
Many people told me, It’s okay you can get pregnant again. Don’t worry you’ll get another one. Yes, I know. They just wanna comfort me. Even if I have twenty more they would never be the child we lost. And we will always miss them.
I am a miscarriage survivor
Not a day goes by that i don’t think about my baby